A Question of Submission/Domination and Communications
The other night, I got into a fascinating conversation with a young gay lad about what it means to be submissive in a relationship.
His question was: “How do I know I’m submissive; is there a scale to follow?”
My initial thought was, is this guy kidding, but then, on thinking, I realized he was honestly confused about his feelings towards someone who he described as being “dominant.” Of course, the first thing to come to mind for him was what he had learned about the Marquis de Sade’s works on the topics of Sado-Masochism which, for me it the most radical form of dominant/submissive relationship. However, it did get me to thinking about the topic sub/dom relationships.
Personally, I think there are distinct levels of both dominance and submission. Example: A dominant person meets a submissive person, they get together, enjoy their activities in private but do not seem to actually satisfy each other’s needs; critical word there, NEEDS.
Let’s be honest here, while there can be a significant amount of physical pleasure, and some pain in Dom/Sub relationship activities, there may not be any psychological gratification, ergo only physical needs were addressed. So how does this happen and how can it be avoided?
One word answer here: COMMUNICATIONS. No, not telephone, telegraph or tell a loudmouth, I mean real face to face, honest exchanges of feelings, wants and needs.
“I need to dominate you because it gives me feelings of superiority I’ve never be able to have before.”
“I love how you spank me, my dad never did, and I think I missed out on something.”
“I’ll tie you up and ravish your body because that’s what men are supposed to do.”
“I’ll let you tie me up and ravish my body to take away the guilt I feel for even doing this.”
And so the list goes on because no one candidly communicated these needs and the problem remains until eventually, the relationship dies because there was no communication.
If you feel you are either dominant or submissive, express that openly, but for God’s sake, don’t do the “I get into anything and everything mode” then nitpick at whatever your partner suggests. Be open, be fair and be communicative; set your parameters for all activities and stick to them. Communicate what you think fills your needs and what doesn’t, before you agree to anything, but don’t forget, it’s a mutual thing so listen to your partner’s needs too.
As silly as it sounds, make a list of your dos, don’ts and won’ts so that when negotiating, and that’s an integral part of all relationships, you can be direct:
“No, I won’t have sex standing up in a canoe, but I’ll rock your world on a pontoon boat.”
How about: “No, I won’t run around the house in a mini skirt and handcuffs but leave them in the bedroom for later.”
If you want that person in your life, communicate that fact. The worst that can be said in reply is “No thanks.”