Self-Actualization

Lindsoe,  R. Nyk

Ritts, V.PH.D,

Adolescent Psychology   

My grade

8-Oct-2014                                       

In his 1943, “Hierarchy of Needs paper, psychologist Abraham Maslow (1908-1970) theorized ultimate need of humans is to be truly “self-actualized.” Displayed here, the final need before “self-actualization” is “self-esteem; for my purposes, I refer to it as positive self-esteem.

            At the end of my first Psychology paper, I asked the question, “Why dad?” I doubt I will ever get an answer but as of now, I no longer care. I took the childhood hours of isolation and abuse and turned them into learning about the world as I saw it. I took the pain of rejection and used it as a tool to mold myself into the extrovert I am now. I took the phrase I often heard: “You can’t do it!” and turned it into “I can’t do it if I don’t at the very least try!” I learned to face adversity with the only true weapons I had, my brain and my determination to overcome. Even when homeless, I never completely gave in. Yes, there many obstacles in my path; some of my own making, others not, but all lessons I needed to learn.

            My one fear was arrogance! For some reason, I was, and still am, terrified of being characterized as arrogant because I am not. I am confident in the knowledge I possess and the knowledge I want to learn. Maybe, I do not have the academic credentials of my peers but they do not possess my the life credentials I do.

            Do I have positive self-esteem? Yes! Have I realized self-actualization? No, not yet, but I’m still a work in progress; the day I stop trying is the day my doctor says “He’s gone.”

Needs of the Heart

Pity the soul,

So lost in the self,

A journey of one,

Destination, unknown.

Searching the pathways,

What markers be found,

Guides but illusion,

Where egos abound.

Each pace a challenge,

Life’s path still obscure,

Denial of self,

Impedes lasting cure.

Wake to the light,

Strength must forebear,

Dispel all deception,

Untruth to foreswear.

See self in one’s truth,

Reap love where abounds,

Let today birth tomorrow

Own virtue that expounds.

Greatest Love, You Will Ever Know

When I grow sad, my heart so low,

 Tomorrow’s burdens may hinder,

Struggle within over-lades my will,

Waking, a chore does linger.

Alone, I cry, walls not to echo,

My search for peace,

No paved path do I find,

World besets, doth increase.

As I rise to challenge,

New day to receive,

My faith grows stronger,

In myself to believe.

For there before me,

In semblance clear,

Behold magic imposing,

My lover does appear.

 Anew I claim,

Love be mine,

Forever devoted,

I will love me thru time.

Stella

Wonderous Lady of Light,

Seeker in darkness,

True meanings of right.

Be she witch or seer,

Does matter count foul,

If her visions are clear?

Blessed is my world,

Since her presence appeared,

My soul long closed, now unfurled.

Her guidance, a stimulus,

My path never more certain,

Future now boundless.

May I ever be blessed,

Her countenance surround me,

 Never to deny my soul to rest.

Let none declare deception,

 Her virtues now laid bare,

 Gift of vision with precise reception.

Fear not her words, never call bogus,

 For challenge invites,

  Visit of fire breathing penis.

With Love

How does a man describe perfection,

To note more than beauty of another’s reflection?

Were, I, mere mortal, sublime elegance to seek,

Be blinded by the vision, your charms bespeak?

The fire in your eyes, your lust for life,

Conceals no pretentions, nay,  your love be rife.

To capture your heart, a challenge unmet,

Should many pursue, but no winner as yet.

Do you hide from suitors, in fear of amour,

Or live in the shadows awaiting one you adore?

Stand fast to your dreams, your visions to see,

Open your heart, set its wonders to be free.

Accept true love offered, duration its value,

Assaults on your person, to the pain say adieu.

Love of yourself, your first ever romance,

May pleasure and joy within heart ever dance.

Free of constraints, soul’s voice sing your love,

Echos like thunder, roiling in clear sky above.

Your beauty beyond ken, your heart so rare,

Would one such as I, ever think less to care?

The Fish That Climber the Tower

Life not easy, for most an intricate chore,

To realize one’s goals, each day new struggle,

Leaving myriad others worse than gone before.

I speak to those, who’s plight oft seen as bravado,

Covert burden of false facade born of inner grief,

Mask of mourning, hidden tears must forego.

“I am not worthy, this I know!”

Came cry of one so dear,

“Lost in my mind, midst blizzard of black snow.”

I say to you, my love,

Stand fast, defy the pain, your worth eternal equal,

 Gift of birth from one above.

Surrender no longer to the fool’s plight,

Reach deep within your spirit,

Forgive yourself first battle of your fight.

Amass your arms, your qualities beyond reproach.

Gird yourself in knowing,

Challenge tormenting feelings that encroach.

Bend ear to those who love you,

Their words magic balm will serve,

For who better to help, defeating mental coup?

Live each day, a renewal hour set aside,

To meditate, no darkness to allow,

Let heart smile within you, self-love be not defied.

In calm of nature, while thoughts may rage anew,

Step back from the edge of pain,

Let new life and spirit enter you.

For it is within your power,

To alter what has been, to bathe in the solace,

Of the fish that climber the tower.

I love you Deke. We love you,  Deke!

You must love you now Deke!!!

My Love Knows Not Requiem

My wonderful, beautiful, precious one

Your existence a blessing, my life did improve,

Countenance though eclectic, no enemy of love.

Once shy, oft-hidden, your affections a treasure,

Wisdom untried, a world alien in your view

You strode into hell, mistakes did make.

Sacrifice though oppressive, lessons to learn

Your truth must understand, love you did gain.

From your trials emerge, new strength in denial,

Refusal to admit valid love in mirror’s eye.

Tomorrow, never today, sun to rise again,

Let your heart receive blessings, love forever stay,

Accept what you’ve given, a return on your love.

Deke, my sweet Deke, let my love reach your heart,

Gather it to you, that we never again hurt,

For once in a lifetime, comes that which we need,

Love of oneself our ally for life, my beloved.

Sing Not Paean To Sorrow

You hide your pain,

Sorrow not to confront.

Did spirit surrender,

Cause unknown?

Confusion of no little report,

Assails the soul,

Lingering within,

Release, yet to birth.

Thoughts remain to no resort.

Yet strength of will,

Defends heart’s desire,

Confounds what might have been.

Love be enchanted sword,

To cleave the wall of pain,

Your soul to free; true devotion will be,

Sorrow’s Paean naught but requiem.

That the Inner Child Survive

Hard fought struggles that few might know,

Besieged my spirit as my body did grow.

Longed for love never a gift,

Cherished truth, my heart sought to lift.

To beg for endearment was my plight,

Not once fulfillment brought tears to my night.

My soul a shell, spirit near death,

You entered my life, creating new breath.

Belabored my heart, lost midst sorrow,

Your promises of love, dawning new tomorrow.

No words can I find, nor paeans to sing,

That express the love, your presence did bring.

For within your heart, though damaged and torn,

A spirit of love is soon to be born.

Demand not in denial, an end to love’s call,

Greet as your guardian come to defeat the pall.

For now in rebirth, your spirit open to love,

Deny, not your feelings for yourself among all.

True love of the self, your gift once forbidden,

Laid not dormant in spirit, but merely unbidden.

Let your love spring forth, to the pain, say adieu,

May you know the unknown,

LOVE IS YOUR DUE!  

To those I love.

Nyk

Starting College at Age 70

Note: This is a revision of a piece I wrote six years ago when I started college. I have edited it and revised a little but the principles are the same.

STARTING COLLEGE AT AGE 70

22, Oct 2013

Revised 5, Sept. 2019

Early this past spring, while enjoying an evening of solitude, I got to thinking about what I should do with the rest of my life. I had considered going into senior housing or a retirement center, but the idea troubled me. I asked myself was I really that ready to give up and surrender to old age? I could say I had a mental and emotional war with my feelings, but that would be a lie. I’ve been on my own since I was fifteen, the idea of giving up my freedom now was simply too terrifying to contemplate. So what can I do with all the free time and minimal funds I have? Then I remembered the words of one of the sweetest people I know, Jina, a Korean girl who, along with her husband Bin, had rented a room from me while she was completing her Master’s Degree at Washington University here in St Louis. She said, “Papa, you go to college. I be so proud of you!”

College? I’m thinking about starting college at age seventy? Last time I was a full-time student was in 1959 when I punched my English teacher for hitting me. I left school, and he got suspended. Now, fifty-four years later I’m thinking about fulfilling my dream of going to college full time. I may be crazy but hey, why not try it? Just no coed dorms and shower rooms, I’m too modest, and I’d be too much competition for the young dudes. This could be fun!

Feeling as though I was setting out on a long trek, my first step had been deciding to pursue my dream. The next was to acquire the means to. Step one was pretty easy, step two was going to be difficult, if not impossible, or so I thought. Being retired and living on just my social security check doesn’t leave me anything extra for frills such as an education. The weak economy had wiped out what little money I had saved, and I’m not named an heir in anyone’s will. Then how does an old man with no money find the funds to go to college? If he’s smart, he looks for the same resources a young man does. In my case, it was the Financial Aid section of the St Louis Community College website where I learned about FAFSA (Free Application for Federal Student Aid). FAFSA is a gateway to many different sources of educational funding for students of all ages, and it was step two for me.

Basically, there are two ways to apply for FAFSA funding. The first is meeting with a financial aid advisor at the college and the second going online to the FAFSA website to apply. They both have advantages and disadvantages – I chose the website as it was more relaxed and I could go at my own pace. It took me about thirty minutes to complete the application, and an hour later, I received an e-mail notification that I had been approved for funding and assigned a student identification number.

Did I mention I did this at about midnight on a Saturday night? You read that right, I had taken a significant step towards realizing a lifelong dream on a Saturday night. I had no idea what I wanted to study, nor did I care at that moment, I just wanted to call somebody and shout it out, I AM GOING TO COLLEGE! Not a good idea, most of my friends are in bed at ten, so I chose option two, a bourbon Manhattan and the late news.

I had to wait until June to take step three, the ACT Compass evaluation testing. (I’ll cheat a little here and do a copy-paste so the information is correct.)

“ACT Compass is an untimed, computerized test that helps your college evaluate your skills and place you into appropriate courses. ACT Compass offers tests in reading, writing, math, writing essay, and English as a Second Language (ESL). You will receive your ACT Compass test results immediately upon completion of testing, and your score report will include placement messages informing you what courses you should take and how to register.” “ACT Compass is not used like a traditional test. There is generally no “passing score.” Rather, ACT Compass scores indicate areas in which you are strong and areas in which you may need help. Thus, ACT Compass can identify problems in major subject areas before they disrupt your educational progress, giving you the opportunity to prepare more effectively for needed courses. You and your institution can use scores from ACT Compass tests to prepare a course of study that will be appropriate, relevant, and meaningful for you.”

June arrived with the late rains of April and the ACT Compass evaluation test. I was in a state of nervous excitement as I went to the Assessment office, where I signed in and got instructions on what to do. Then a lady ushered me into a computer lab (a room which has desks with computers on each) and assigned me a seat. I’m not a computer geek nor do I type well, so I was very thankful the test was not timed. It was interesting though: easy to read, thorough and not graded. Once I was comfortable with the keyboard I dug my heels in and did my best. It took a while to complete, but that didn’t bother me, I was having fun and actually learning something new. When I was done, I had to wait while the lady printed out the results for me. My high school math scores were midline, college math was almost non-existent but English comprehension, and composition were 94 and 97 respectively. That took me completely by surprise.

Step four was Student Orientation day! Then came butterflies in the belly. The first significant challenge for me in college was: what do I wear to go to school? I’ve worn uniforms or work clothes all my life. I probably have only one nice shirt and pair of pants. How could I go to school and impress everyone if I wasn’t dressed cool? Scary as it sounds, I decided to just be myself but cleaner. Arriving on time, I found the conference room without a problem and immediately decide I’m the oldest person within a hundred miles. I see bright, shiny young faces everywhere. I knew they were all staring and talking about me I remember it. Oh well, I’m a pretty impressive guy, so I joined the throng, listened to the somewhat dull introduction, received the handouts and waited in line to see a counselor. When my turn came, I was asked what courses I planned to take, and I said, huh? I hadn’t considered exactly what classes I wanted to take, I was just happy to be invited to learn. We talked about my ACT Compass scores and what they felt I should do, I said ok, let’s do it. Next thing I knew I was sitting at a computer signing up for American History, Philosophy, Honors English and Algebra. I was committed or should have been. I hadn’t been a full-time student since 1959, and I had signed up for twelve credit hours of college? I hear Jina’s beautiful voice, “I’m so proud of you Papa!” That did it, bring it on.

My next stop was for my student ID card and parking permit. This was an easy one. I just needed to prove I was me, have my picture taken and sign all sorts of papers. My official ID card was mailed to my home in about three weeks. Final stop of the day was Financial Aid. I had come prepared with copies of my online applications and related confirmations. As I handed the paperwork to a pretty young lady at the front desk, she looked at me as though I were insane. “Your paperwork is all in perfect order! I just need you to sign two forms, and you’re done. Welcome to Meramec.” Guess I got that part right.

Walking out of the office, I felt a little overcome. After so many years my dream was close to becoming reality yet something seemed to be missing. I meandered around campus for a while orientating my mind and spirit to the alien environment. I didn’t know what to expect or how I would actually feel once I started classes, I just had to know what it felt like to walk on campus. Everything was so different and yet warm and inviting. I decided to just sit under a tree to watch people and listen to the wisdom of nature. As I sat there thinking, I noticed something to my right that seemed out of place. There, under a small bush, lay a weather-worn paperback book with torn cover. I picked it up to see if it had an owner’s name in it – nothing. A student needs books to help learn (insert light bulb here)! I am now a student, I need books so that I can learn!

Step five was the college bookstore, but I didn’t have the money to buy the books I needed, or so I thought. Since it didn’t cost anything to browse the shelves for the books I would need, that’s what I did. I could always come back when I had the money. As I was browsing a clerk offered her assistance. I told her I was a new student getting orientated and was looking for the books I needed for my classes. I showed her my class schedule, and she picked out those available. When I told her I didn’t have the money to pay for them yet, she asked me if I was getting financial aid. I said yes, and she asked to see my student ID card, which I didn’t have yet. Then she asked if I had a student ID number and that I had. She entered my student number in the bookstore computer system, and much to my amazement told me I was approved for a bookstore account which meant I could get books on credit until my financial aid funds were released at the end of the fifth week of class. All I needed was my official ID card, and that wouldn’t arrive for three weeks. I was both excited and a little disappointed. I wanted a textbook. I did have enough cash on me to purchase one of the required novels. So I did just that. Head high, shoulders back and proud as a peacock I strutted out of the bookstore holding my very own requisite college book. I was finally an official student.

Finally, step six was first day of class, and I was about as nervous as the Grand Dragon of the KKK at a Martin Luther King rally: I think I would fare better though. Walking into class, I got those stares, you know, the ones that said “what’s he doing here. Is he someone’s grandpa? Maybe he’s the janitor.” Nope, sorry kiddies, I’m a student too. In class, we did self-introductions just like back in the 1950s Each student said his/her name and maybe a little about themselves. My turn comes, and what do I say? Come on Papa, do the obvious, tell them what they’re wanting to know. “I’m Dick. I’m seventy years old, and I’m realizing a lifelong dream of going to college.” Reactions ranged from applause to stunned silence and a few, “No way man, you ain’t that old.” My favorite was the “Awesome dude!” Regardless what was said, the tone I felt was one of acceptance and warm greetings and it was genuinely Awesome Dude!

Step seven, at long last, I was in college and ready to learn. Unfortunately, I was learning things about myself that threatened to compromise my education. First is hearing, I am gradually going deaf. My hearing was damaged years ago when I worked as a paramedic/emergency vehicle driver. The driver’s cab of emergency vehicles was not insulated sufficiently to mute the sound of the sirens mounted on the roof, directly over our heads. No one thought of taking precautions to protect our hearing. I developed Meniere’s disorder, a fluid imbalance in the brain which presents as tinnitus, vertigo, and progressive hearing loss. Just when I have the chance to realize my dream it may not come because I couldn’t hear and couldn’t afford hearing aids. To my good fortune, the college has helpful people, and I was steered to the Access office where they do more than their best to help disabled students. The Access staff outlined what I had to do to get help. I needed doctor’s letter stating I have an impairment and current Audiograph test results to verify the primary diagnosis. Once everything was done and approved, they provided me with an electronic amplifier to use in classes and letters to each professor instructing them to work with me. Things were going good until another issue arose. I cannot do algebra. I carefully listen to the lectures, take copious notes, do as much of the homework as I can but cannot retain the formulas long enough to pass the quizzes and exams. Back to the Access office and this time it wasn’t so easy.

Short term memory loss is pretty common to all ages but increases as you grow older, what I’m experiencing isn’t the same. With short term loss we usually remember within a short time, not now, this time it’s a total block. As my doctor told me, “You may be experiencing a cognitive impairment. We need to set up an appointment with a Neuropsychologist for a complete evaluation.” Earliest I can get is 12/10/13, just before end of semester. The Access office can only give me limited assistance until a final diagnosis is made, I’m screwed in algebra. My hopes and dreams of becoming a space explorer are gone. But I refuse to give up trying.

Am I going to stop at step seven? No, each new challenge is a chance to learn something new. I came to school to learn. I am learning at school. I will remain in school to learn for as long as the Spirits allow me to. I’m a fighter! Today, if I were asked the most important thing I’ve learned in the process of starting college at my age, I would have to say – know yourself and do not be afraid to voice your limitations. If you are considering enrolling in college, please take the time to meet with the counselors in the Access Department well in advance of the start of classes to discuss your challenges and the support available to you.